The person I once was
by Heir of Darkness
Summary: My first one. Don't know why it's drama ... It's rather remembrances. Anyway, R/R.


The person I once was   
By Goblet of Fire 

The coldness fills the room. Even if a green fire is roaring in the chimney. For it is a Dark Fire. Neither warm nor light can reach this far into the Darkness. 

One single window allows the daylight to break the heavy atmosphere. Or does it only make it worse ? I can't tell. 

I am sitting in a majestic armchair by the fire. Probably a heirloom. Majestic, but old and worn-out. I look at one piece of once smooth velvet, hanging helplessly from the backrest. As hopeless as I am, hanging to my last happy memories. Armchair, if you could talk, what horrible things you would tell ! Stories about a forgotten family, stories about a lost pride, stories about a mortal prejudice. Stories about that night, that awful night when the son killed his father. And you would be longing to go back to those happy days, when this manor's master would invite his guests into this hall, asking them to sit down in this seat, and if they would like some tea ! 

I, too, am looking back. But it was not so long ago, was it ? It seems to be more than a century since Peter was at Hogwarts. When was the last time I saw James's smile ? It was never given to me. When was the last time the Marauders had been together ? Which Marauders ? When was the last time we pulled a prank together ? I always got blamed for everything. When was the last time we went for those delightings walks in the Forbidden Forest in our animal form ? Remus always tried to eat me. 

But was it worth it ? Did these little everyday humiliations allow me to do what I did ? Was it fair ? No, it wasn't. Life is not fair. Life made me stupid, and it made Lily top in almost all her classes. Life made me ugly and a coward, and it gave James good-looks and courage. Life almost made me a squib, and it gave Remus power. Life made me a boring person, and it made Sirius a pranker, always laughing, and joking. 

Not that Lily tops her class anymore. Not that James attracts girls anymore. Not that Remus plays hero anymore. Not that Sirius laughs and jokes anymore. 

For to me, they are all dead. Peter is dead too. The only thing left is remembrance. 

Oh no. I have gone through that enough times ! Do you think it's not hard enough for me ? 

And memories flew back. 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- Mum ! Mum ! Look ! The Hogwarts Letter ! I'm not a squib ! I'm not a squib ! Mum ! I'm a wizard !   
My little exuberant self rushed down the stairs into the kitchen. My mum hugged me like she had never hugged me before.   
- Oooohhh, Peter, I'm so proud of you !   
My father smiled and looked up from his paper. He only smiled on very rare occurances. He was not talkative either and spoke as little as he smiled.   
- Son, so you are not doomed after all. Do your best. Always do your best.   
And he patted my head. I've never felt so proud of myself then in this very moment. I had made my father smile ! He talked to me and he encouraged me ! That, I thought, was the height of happiness.   
- Mum, when are we going to buy my school supplies ?   
I was almost jumping with excitment. In fact, I think I was.   
- But this very afternoon, my dear.   
- Yeeeeaaaaahhh ! 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

Enjoy it, little Peter, enjoy it. You're never going to fell so self-confident again. 

My parents. I loved them more then anything. Everyone thought I was a squib, but they always defended me against the gossips. They were not ashamed of me. They tried to make my life easier.They prepared me for being a muggle. 

Though, I killed them. Sort of. When she knew I turned to the Dark side, Mum feel ill. Very ill. The doctors said, it was a Muggle illness that you contract when greatly shocked. My father fleed. He took an airplane to America. I never heard from him again. Was he dead ? Is he so ashamed of his son that he did not dare show his real identity ? I don't know. No one does. 

I was never told who revealed them this secret. What I know is that they didn't tell anyone. They did not say : " Our son is evil, he turned to the Dark Side. He betrayed his best friends." How do I know ? Well, till now, nobody had yet showed his face to tell me I was a betrayor, because everybody believes in my death. 

Do your best. My father told me always to do my best. I didn't. I never did. Sorry, Father. I didn't mean to hurt you. 

Somewhere, hidden, the old love was still there. 

Now that I know, I wish I had never received this letter. I wish that, after all, everyone was right. I wish I am a squib. Then all that would never had happened. 

But I don't need to think about that; do I ? I am feeling guilty enough. But I am not controlling my mind. 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

-Hi, what's your name ?   
Great. I managed to get lost in Diagon Alley. My parents have left me alone in there. And now two stranger boys were asking my name.   
- Peter. I squeaked in a very small voice. I was shy by nature and never got along well with boys my age.   
- Hi Peter. I'm James. The boy with messy black hair and glasses said. That crazy one over here isn't serious.He's Sirius.Ouch ! The taller boy with longish dark hair had just punched him on the stomach.   
I was stunned. I didn't quite get the play on words, and they seemed to want to be friends with me …   
- So, are you a first year ?   
- Y-Y-y-yeah-ah-ah ? Gosh. I was stuttering again. Do I just have to ridiculise myself in front of other people ?   
- Hey, don't need to be afraid of James. He's not a monster, even if he does look like one … Ouch ! This time it was the boy called James who punched Sirius. What kind of a relationship is that ?   
- You're lost ?   
- N-nn-no-o.   
The two boys exchanged a knowing look.   
- Come. We'll lead you to Gringotts. You need money first. 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

The first time we met. Did they know what they were doing ? Did they know they were scealing their fate ? What they were doing was helping me. And what have I done ? I had one of them killed, and the other sent to Azkaban in my place. 

I hate myself. 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- Oh, hi, it's you ! We were looking for you ! May we sit here ?   
We were on the Hogwarts Express, and I was sitting alone in a compartiment. I was very excited and happy to see some known faces.   
- Of c-c-course-se-se. G-g-gr-reat-t-to s-s-ee-e-y-y-ou a-a-ag-again.   
Come on, stop stammering, Peter, you're just making a fool out of yourself.   
- Oh, stutterer ! Sirius and James laughed. I could feel my face turn bright red.   
- Hi, can I sit here ?   
The newcomer was a middle-heighted slim boy, with auburn-coloured hair. He was looking tired, and apprehensive.   
- Of course you can, the question is "May you ?".   
- And you may. What's your name ?   
- Remus.   
He smiled, and sat down. Sirius and James began talking at the same time :   
- I'm James and that crazy one over here is Sirius …   
- I'm Sirius and that fool one over here is James …   
They both stopped short. Together :   
- Who did you say was fool ?   
- Who did you say was crazy ?   
Remus laughed.   
I smiled weakly :   
- M-m-m-my-nn-namm-mm-me-i-i-si-is-ppe-pet-tt-e-r-er.   
- If you didn't notice yet, he stutters. Sirius stated seriously. 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

I got to know them better on this train ride. We swore to be friends for ever. Yeah, right. How many promises had I broken that day I joined the Dark side ? 

That day I joined the Dark side … 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- AAAAHHHH !!!! Severus shouted.   
- Come on, boy ! Don't let your pain show. You're fighting for me now. You need to be strong. This is nothing compared to what you are going to experience serving me …   
The icy cold voice penetrated me to the bones. Severus stood up, the Dark Mark freshly carved on his arm.   
- Your turn now, Wormtail.   
The red slits paused on me, staring. Or I'd rather say, scrutinizing my mind. I sat down on the stool Severus just got up from … The Dark Lord took my left forearm in his hand, or claw. With one of his sharp nails, he slowly began drawing a skull in my flesh. The pain burst into me like a lightning. It was almost unberable. I tried to hold back the screams that burned my throat, the tears that became heavy in my eyes. Vainly. I wanted my new master to be proud of me. Just like my father had been proud of me 4 years ago. But I shouldn't be thinking about my father. He chose the Light side. The loosing side. 

Now, it was finished. I comtemplated the snake the skull had for a tongue. The empty eyes of the dead head. 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

As empty as our mind. Where there is only obedience and servitude. 

And there we were, Severus and I, newest and youngest members of the Death Eater's circle. All fools. We were only fifteen, and already doomed. I was traited with some respect, differently then the others. The first Gryffindor ever to join the Dark side. Ha ! The first Gryffindor stupid and coward enough to join the Dark side ! My House comrades would have stood and fought and died for their pride. I just bowed. It is said that those who bows to the powerful ones last longer than those who resit. It is true. But those who resist don't have to live their entire life with guilt and regret. 

That day, I sold my happiness for powers, and my friends for my life. I sold my soul for my body. Was it worth it ? 

Not that I didn't have a chance to redemption. But I was too afraid to take it. Severus wasn't. When he saw the truth behind the mask, he regreted his foolish act. Just like I did. But he tried to redeem himself. He had the courage to ignore our Master's threats, and to act as a double-agent. I didn't. He tried to prove to the world and to himself that he was still able to distinct the Good from the Evil. I didn't. 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- Come on, Peter, do it ! You're not going to stay with him for your entire life ?   
He called me Peter. I closed my eyes. When was the last time anyone did ? My parents were gone. To everyone, I was only Wormtail. Wormtail the coward. Wormtail the stutterer. To myself, I was Wormtail the betrayor. But it wasn't Wormtail Severus was talking to. It was Peter, the little boy inside me who was claiming for liberty.   
- Come ! We don't have much time !   
I opened my eyes.   
- Go without me, Severus. Hell, he is going to kill us if he finds out !   
Severus's eyes narrowed. He grabed my wrist.   
- Don't tell me you're afraid, Wormtail ?   
Here he goes again. Wormtail. I hate that name. Wormtail is the name of the one who is blind to the rocky path of Lightness and forgiveness. Peter screams and begs for that path. Severus knew that.   
- Yes, Severus, I am afraid. Not everyone prefers having their names cleared to their life. And remember, I don't have to. Nobody knows I'm evil.   
Severus let go of my wrist. It was white so strongly he was clutching it.   
- Fine. He said with a smirk. Do what you want. Don't say you weren't given a chance. And remember, I despise you, Wormtail. He almost spited this name. Peter, if you hear me, get rid of this coward the sooner the better.   
And with that he left in a wawe of his cloak. 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

At this moment I could have gone to my Master to tell him Severus betrayed, but I didn't. Because Severus had done what seemed right to him. And to me. Not what was better for him, but what was better for the world. 

I cannot help thinking what could have happened if I wasn't dumb enough to join the Dark side. Sirius wouldn't have gone to Azkaban.James and Lily would be alive. Harry would have his parents. But then, during 14 years, the Dark Lord would have had the time to rise to the full height of his powers. 

I recall my first murder … 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- Hi, Uncle Peter !   
Young Lara was running towards me. She was eleven years old, the daughter of my father's friend. After my parents had left, they often came to support me. They didn't know why they were gone … The child always called me Uncle, thought I was only 5 years older than she was.   
- I want to go in the garden, Uncle Peter ! The flowers are beautiful there.   
I asked the parents if we may go. They smiled and said they'll be waiting in the house. I had completely forgotten that my Master was to come that day.   
We walked in the garden, and she picked flowers along the way.   
Suddendly a black mist appared in front of us. In a blast, my master came out.   
- Aaaahhh ! Uncle Peter !   
Lara took refuge behind my back. I was stunned. What to do ?   
- Good. Voldemort said with an evil smirk. I see that you have brought what was necessary for today's lesson …   
- Uncle Peter ?   
I bowed my head and slowly walked to take place behind my master's back to face Lara.   
- Uncle Peter !   
- Kill her. Voldemort said coldly. I resignantely raised my wand. 

------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

I'll never forget that day. That look she had in her eyes seconds before being reduced to a soulless body. She really saw a big brother in me. And she thrusted me. That was the thing not to do. I can not even trust myself. 

The parents never knew anything. They just saw me facing Voldemort in the garden, both wands in hand, before Voldemort disappeared. They concluded that I was fighting Voldemort after he killed Lara. They did not blame me. I just never saw them again. 

Lara was happy before dying.   
I was happy before entering Voldemort's circle, compared to now.   
The Marauders were happy and united before my betrayal. What are they now ? Lara is dead. I am a human wreck. One Marauder is dead, one is convinced of murder, one disappeared, and one betrayed them all. 

The Marauders. 

------------------------------------------------- Flashback ----------------------------------------------- 

- Peter, stop stepping on my foot ! Sirius let a painful whisper in my ear.   
- Sorry. Is it my fault this cloak is too small for four persons to fit in ?   
- Yes.   
I had learned not to stammer anymore by my second year at Hogwarts.We were all four under James's Invisibility Cloak, of to another night-prank party. This time, the goal was : "Paint the Slytherin Common room violet !"   
- Shut up, you two ! You may be detention fans, I am not ! James whispered angerly.   
- We're there. Remus muttered the password. "Gryffindor hater" and the Gargoyle swung open.   
- Stupid password.   
- As stupid as them.   
- Come on, Sirius, quick !   
Sirius muttered some words, but instead of violet, the common room turned bright pink.   
- Prat. Sirius said. I used the wrong spell.   
He was about to use another one, when I exclaimed :   
- Stop Sirius ! It's even better like that ! Look !   
The four students contemplated their work. They all develloped evil smiles.   
- Peter's right. Back up, everyone !   
------------------------------------------- End Flasback ------------------------------------------------- 

I smiled at this memory. It was THE BEST PRANK we ever pulled. We all got one month of detention, but it was worth it. We were the heros. The Slytherins were green with anger. All the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors complimented me for my bright idea. If only they knew who they were complimenting … 

But it is too late now. Too late to think about the happy days. I got my best friend killed. My best friends want me dead. My Master wants me to kill my best friend's son. How paradoxical. And I am obliged to do it. Or would I stand and fight, like other peoples had fought ? They fought and died. Painfully, I realise that I never did anything right in my life. Yeah, perhaps that to redeem myself, I'll stand and fight a loosing battle. 

- Wormtail ! 

The cold voice comes from the room next to this one. Maybe one day … But not now. Today, I am still a coward. I push the door open. This room is even colder than the one I was sitting in. I feel shivers down my spine. But is it the cold ? I bow my head. I do not dare to look at him in the eye. He reads my mind too well.   
- Yes, my Lord ? 

Disclaimer : I own nothing but Lara. 

Author's note : If you did not understand yet, this is Pettigrew's train of thoughts. My first one. Don't be too harsh ! If this fic has hit its goal, you should be feeling very depressed. If you are not, please tell me how to write a GOOD FIC ! Thank you ! REVIEW !   



End file.
